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Lebron James Throws Playoffs for Mob
Cleveland Cavaliers star Lebron James has been intentionally losing the series against the Celtics for a New York mafia family.
CLEVELAND- Residents of this Northeast Ohio metropolis were horrified this morning to find out that star Cavaliers forward Lebron James has been intentionally throwing the past few games against the Boston Celtics.
This shocking revelation came on the heels of the worst playoff loss in Cavs' history, when they were humiliated on their home court with a 120-88 loss to the Celtics, during the Eastern Conference Semi-Finals. The series is now at 3-2, and the Cavs are one game away from blowing their chances at winning the series, and the NBA Championship.
By all accounts, James played like he was on Percocet and cheap red wine, missing the abnormally few shots he took, hitting only 3 out of 14 attempts from the field, which left him with a pitiful total of only 15 points (mostly foul shots) for the game. For someone who averages 29.7 points a game, his performance was nothing short of devastating for the city of Cleveland, who has all their faith in James to lead this town to their first national championship in decades.
The last time Cleveland won a national championship was in 1964, when the Browns took the NFL Championship.
During last night's game, the sold-out crowd at Quicken Loans Arena booed James' performance, before many cleared the stands at the top of the final quarter.
"I knew we were done," moaned George Welsh as he left the arena with his head low. "I don't need to see anymore, this is just too painful. He's just laying down out there! It's awful, just awful!"
Those who stayed for the end of the game sat stupefied in the stands, not really sure what to make of the event. Many openly wept, and there were at least 39 reports of spousal abuse in the parking lot as of press time.
After the blow-out, James rushed off the court and hid from the press, while coach Mike Brown feigned confidence about winning the next game. Brown then stepped from the press table, violently threw up into a nearby trash can, and then stumbled out of the room in tears.
Outside of the arena, rumors about James' intentionally throwing the game started swirling around local taverns.
It wasn't until a local mob-affiliate- known only as "Vegas Lou"- came forward to confirm the rumors, that the story gained real traction.
"Yes, I know for a fact that James has been throwing these games," Lou said at a late-night press conference. "He was paid a very large sum of money by one of the families in New York, to lose this series. There was so much money going against the Celtics, and everyone with a shred of sense knew that the Cavs would destroy the Celtics…so long as they played like they wanted it."
Apparently, a $15.7 million annual salary- plus millions more in Nike, Gatorade, and other lucrative contracts, plus the support of millions of fans, plus the support of an entire state officially rooting for their native son- wasn’t enough to convince James that he should try to win this series.
While fulfilling a "contract," Lou intercepted a "bagman," who was supposed to deliver a large briefcase of money to James, in exchange for throwing the game. For reasons undefined, Lou let the man go on about his business.
Lou pointed out that it wasn't just last night's game, but rather the entire series that Lebron is giving away.
"He started right out of the gates, trying to throw the game. They would have lost Game 1 if it weren't for Mo Williams getting in Lebron's face, telling him to play like a pro.
"But then Game 2 came, and Lebron slept through most of it. He did so bad, he was told by this 'bag man' the he actually had to win the next game, or else betters would be onto the scam. And then look what happened in Game 3- they CRUSHED the Celtics.
"He tried to act like he wanted to win in Game 4, but it was half-assed. And last night...that was just plain offensive."
When asked why he came forward with this information, Lou said, "I hate the Celtics more than dysentery, and I feel guilty about letting that man pay James off, even if he was just a soldier like me. This is my only hope to change Lebron's mind. Otherwise, not only will he destroy all hope for this city, his legacy will be forever disgraced from the memories of him handing the series over to the Celtics, without even trying to fight."
So now the world waits for game 6, Thursday night, in Boston, to see if Lebron is going to lay down and hand yet another game to the Celtics, or play like the champion he truly is.