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The Hebrew Hammer
Hanukkah is in trouble, but fear nothing! The Hebrew Hammer is on the case!
Shlomo, oh Shlomo! Don’t let yourself succumb to these evil forces! Remember what Hammer said a few weeks ago: “Be proud of who you are. You’re a bad, bold, big-nosed biblical brother.”
Shlomo is one of the many that have fallen prey to a ruthless epidemic that has ravaged the Hassidic community. Children everywhere are being infected with the worst of the worst: bootleg copies of It’s A Wonderful Life. Unless we act now, they may be lost forever.
How did it get to be like this, you ask?
“Look around you Jamal. Do you see any colored midgets in my workshop at all? Any? Huh? That guy’s got a nice tan…but he’s not a colored midget. You understand? Your presence would be a disruption to the utopian model of efficiency that I’ve created for myself in my workshop.”
I quote the new Santa Claus here, verbatim, from a recent conversation in his fortress at the North Pole. He is at the heart of this sinister malevolence. Such a ghastly tyranny would obviously be hard to believe, but someone caught it on video, and I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.
Let’s recap: Damien Claus, the only blood heir to the Santa Hat, assassinated his father not long ago, and is now marching on to wipe out Hanukkah. Make no mistake, this is a ruthless villain, who will stop at nothing to smash all things Jewish from existence forever.
This guy is no jolly “ho-ho-ho” type. The abovementioned footage also shows him brainwashing little children, leaving no stone unturned in his diabolical scheme. “Now why don’t you tell me what those nasty Jewish people do during Hanukkah,” we see him prodding a young boy, who answers, “They worship the devil, and sacrifice Gentile children in bizarre, sadistic rituals.” While this goes on, his sidekick Tiny Tim is out on the streets, peddling Frank Capra’s film (It’s A Wonderful Life) to innocent kids.
“We need a hard-hitting heeb on this one,” says Chief Bloomenbergensteinthal, head of the Jewish Justice League (JJL), but who’s intrepid enough for such a menacing task? The answer is clear: the Certified Circumcised Dick himself, the kike who won’t cop out when there’s Gentiles all around, the baddest heeb this side of Tel Aviv. That’s right, I’m talking about the HEBREW HAMMER.
Granted, he’s somewhat of a renegade, as the Chief points out by reminding him of “that incident at the airport.” Nonetheless, Hammer is the best man for the job, and quite possibly the only one who can stop Damien.
Not many people have the gall to walk into a bar, with the words “DIE LIKE A JEW! DIE LIKE A JEW! DIE LIKE A JEW!” blaring from the jukebox, and offer to pay for his Manischewitz with shekels. But we see Hammer do just that, and more.
He’s Dolemite, Shaft, Foxy Brown, Sweetback, John Slade, Optimus Prime, and Superfly, all combined into one kosher badass. But he’ll need help, and since Kwanzaa is likely next on Damien’s target, Mohamed Ali Paula Abdul Rahim of the Kwanzaa Liberation Front (KLF) has joined forces with Hammer on this mission. While they may seem relatively passive, what with their headquarters adorned with slogans like “No Vietcong Ever Fucked With Kwanzaa” and so forth, the KLF is certainly a brute force, ready to fight when the time comes.
And that time is now. To find out more about this dire crusade, check out The Hebrew Hammer, airing on Comedy Central December 8, and then hitting theaters nationwide sometime thereafter. This film chronicles the atrocities of Damien Claus, as well as the struggle to stop his crooked scheme, led by our valiant hero.
P.S. Jonathan Kesselman owns the copyright to any and everything mentioned above that may be “offensive.”