What's Bots & What's Rot: November Dosage

23/10/2008 03:09

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Bob Freville

Kotori keeps you up to date on what's the craze and what was just a phase, presenting the illest and chillest of the newest latest.

Bots

Republican Rape Fantasies - Naturally this applies strictly to Sarah Palin unless you're some real sicko who dreams of combating National disgrace by fisting some out-of-touch old man.

Maverick - This brand of cigarettes is so cheap that you may have enough pocket change left over to come one one-hundredth of your rent after the bailout.

Josh Brolin - He's so handsome he can make the mentally-retarded murder-monger look like part of the dapper Southern gentleman set.

Oliver Stone - You don't know why?! Peep myspace.com/oliverstone and go see W.

Massive Tax Rebates For Everyone Who Makes Less Than $80,000 Per Year - This idea isn't "actionable" according to the big dogs, otherwise we'd be seeing it by now. But Kotori is crazy about it!

Fight Club - The closer we creep toward a full-on Depression the more attractive Project Mayhem becomes.

Vampirism - We can't wait for HBO to market the tie-in energy drink/alcoholic beverage to their Sunday powerhouse True Blood. The Sabbath hasn't been this sexier or serpentine since Mary Magdalene blew seven peasants on the premiere of the Pontius pilot. And then there's Hemo www.myspace.com/hemoflick

Substance Abuse - While we are shamelessly plugging things it needs to be said: Never has it been so easy to laugh at addicts as it is with the forthcoming Ernesto Rosinski docudrama Garbagehead. www.myspace.com/garbageheadmovie

ROT

Britney Spears - We have loved and supported Brit throughout Kotori's life and have often railed against the paparazzi's cruelty and double-standards. But what tone deaf fucking abomination is responsible for making "Womanizer" a popular comeback tune? "Toxic" was waaaaay less toxic than this shit!

Pitbulls in Lipstick - Not only do we frown on testing cosmetics on animals but we think it's deplorably exploitative to train them to call enterprising Presidential hopefuls "terrorists."

Double Standards - Registering a little black girl to vote before she has a Brillo patch on her down-south is as bad as McCain's absentee ballots. Matter of fact, it's the same gosh darn thing! Are any of us going to be alive to see a candidate who is above skullduggery? Our guess is, not in a society where you can play beer pong until you end up dogging a paraplegic and then open a newspaper the next morning and not even question the fact that journalists are chastising celebs for getting fall-down drunk.

Tim Burton's Pirates 4 - We love Johnny Depp (Not in a gay way...We swear...We masturbate to that Blow one-sheet because of Penelope Cruz, God's honest!) And we love Tim (Who didn't want a bachelor pad like Pee-Wee's?). But Jack Sparrow doesn't belong sailing into a port of Gothic steeples. That's like handing Ghostbusters 3 to Uwe Boll. Way out of his league. We apologize to Tim for mentioning his good name in the same breath as Uwe Boll.

Douching - Apparently American girls who were the product of late-in-life pregnancy are still being raised to douche it despite medical evidence that they are flushing out vital biological make-up and degrading their uteral lining. And what's worse, lower-middle-class women buy a brand of generic douche called "Sweet Love" from dollar stores. So theoretically these lonely bitches are using these things as an alternative to companionship as well! Whatever happened to a nice, clean, invasive scrub?!

Detainees - It may seem like they are casualties of a time-honored tradition, but a mentally-retarded man sodomizing himself with a banana is not cool! And no, it is not acceptable to send me pictures of it either!

David Zucker - I guess the Pilot's query of a little boy in Airplane about whether or not said little boy had ever seen a grown man naked should have been indication that Zucker belongs to the pederasty-leaning Party. Anyone forget the fact that a future murderer was cast in the sympathetic role in the Naked Gun series? Guess we should have seen this one coming.

CUNTS - You know who you are and you may work in this town again, but that doesn't mean you don't suck worse than a Dirt Devil with Mononucleosis.

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What's Bots & What's Rot: November Dosage

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