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Boehner Weeps over Christmas Presents


Christmas was good at the Boehner household this year.

WETHERINGTON, Ohio - Christmas was good at the Boehner household this year, and Representative John Boehner (R-OH) was especially excited when he saw what Santa brought him.

Sources close to the family say that Boehner ran downstairs to the Christmas tree just before dawn, shaking as he gazed upon his good fortune. "Yippie!" he screamed in glee, fighting back tears as he unwrapped a gift basket filled with Camel cigarettes, given by his buddies at RJ Reynolds. He immediately lit a smoke and puffed away as he tore into more presents.

His lip started quivering when he unwrapped a shiny graphite Callaway Diablo Edge driver, from the nice people at Citigroup. "Oh boy!" Boehner shouted, swinging the club around, knocking ornaments off the tree. "This will be great when they fly me out to Vegas again this year!"

Then came his present from Google: a classy Droid X. According to several accounts, Boehner's eyes started welling up when he unwrapped the sleek smartphone, which he used to instantly tweet, "I'm the happiest boy in the House! LOL!"

Alas, it was his present from Goldman Sachs that sent him over the edge. The small package laid quietly beneath the tree, but when Boehner opened it, his squeal broke windows.

That's right, he got "Michael Jackson: The Experience" for Nintendo Wii.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Boehner stammered, as tears dumped off his face, smearing his spray tan onto his pajama top. He ran outside and rolled around in the snow, wailing in joy. "It's Michael Jackson! It's Michael Jackson! I love you Goldman Sachs! I'm so happy!" After bawling for 30 straight minutes- and moonwalking back and forth across the yard- he ran inside, and danced to "Billie Jean" and "Beat It" for the rest of the month.

His office declined to say if he'd report to work in January, following reports that he insisted on forgoing Congress for a dancing career.

On the other side of the country, Santa was also generous with Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), who merely smiled when she unwrapped her copy of "Call of Duty: Black Ops" for Sony Playstation 3. Unconfirmed reports have her already at Level 39 before New Year's Eve.

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