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Chad Zumock: The Mayor Parma Needs
Our endorsement for Mayor of Parma goes to Chad Zumock.
Parma, Ohio is a lovely city in Northeast Ohio with picturesque strip malls, a Best Buy, Chuck E. Cheese, and even a wildlife preserve for local skunks and possums, which locals call Ridgewood Country Club. With over 81,000 residents, Parma is the largest suburb of Cleveland, and it's well known for its affection of pink flamingos and polka.
Sadly, despite this embarrassment of riches, Parma has fallen on rough times over the past few years. Where every other city in Cuyahoga County has the seasonal plague of potholes, the roads in Parma are riddled with large craters. The poverty and crime rates in Parma have been on the rise, while the number of hot bitches living within the city limits has been quickly shrinking.
Then there was the incident earlier this year at Chuck E. Cheese, where a child vanished in the Ball Pit, only to resurface 30 minutes later as a grown man, teeth missing, tattoos weathered, with a nasty methamphetamine addiction. The reason is unclear- talk of portals and time displacement abound- and the family's silence was quickly bought with a $250 gift card to Walmart.
This city, this bastion of American Pride, still has a chance at greatness, if only a true leader would step up to take over as mayor and lead Parma into the future it deserves.
That man is Chad Zumock, the hero Parma needs.
Zumock was born and raised in N.E. Ohio, so he knows well the good and bad that a municipality endures, and how to work through them. Sporting a sweater vest as his armor, this knight of the Midwest is not only the co-host of the Alan Cox Show, but he's a well-respected author, having contributed to Look at My Striped Shirt!: Confessions of the People You Love to Hate, and even releasing 2009's smash hit, Accomplishing Nothing.
After we recently caught up with Zumock, the choice was obvious: Chad Zumock officially has our endorsement for Mayor.
What is your platform? How will you make Parma a better place?
Chad Zumock: My campaign slogan is "Making everyday- SUB-PARMA!"
I am running on the platform of jobs, education, and tax cuts. I have no idea what that means, I'm just saying that so I sound like I know what I am talking about. However, I think it is very important that there is a cap on 25-cent chicken wings and $1 domestic drafts throughout Parma.
What is your solution for the economic woes in this region?
CZ: Solution is simple- tax cuts and Golden Tee in all the schools.
Can a resident of Parma trust you to chew Kodiak and drink Milwaukee's Best like a real man?
CZ: I am a man of the people. Not only will I do that, I will wear a Tap-Out shirt while doing it.
How many Tapout shirts do you own?
Why are you better suited for this position than the other candidates?
CZ: Not only does my grandma live there, I know Parma like the back of my hand. The Alan Cox Show and Parma go together like peanut butter & jelly. I am the only man for the job.
What will you do about road conditions in Parma?
CZ: Fill in all the potholes with old people when they die- easy solution.
Will you bring cool things to do in Parma other than smoking meth out of lightbulbs and watching wrestling for 8 days straight?
CZ: Thursday night street racing with supped-up Dodge Neons. Replacing law enforcement with RoboCops.
What is your answer to the overbreeding of scumbags that is such a plague on Parma?
CZ: 9 p.m. curfews for all citizens until we figure out a solution.
It's been well-established that the selection of attractive women (and men) in Parma has declined over the years, with their eyes getting closer together and fewer teeth. How will you bring people to Parma who are hot enough to justify spending $30 on a fancy date?
CZ: I can not answer that question at this time.
Will you bring back live sex acts to Parma if elected?
CZ: No. I am offended that you asked me that question, you insensitive bastard. Go fuck yourself.
If elected, will you take over Brook Park by any means necessary?
CZ: I plan on building a wall between Parma and Parma Heights. Brook Park is fair game.
Who are your favorite polka musicians?
CZ: Frankie Yankovic and Jay-Z.