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Kotori Asks a Republican


Ohio Congressman Richard Martin Answers the Tough Questions

During every election season since we started printing in 2001, we've worked hard to get politicians from all over the spectrum to talk to us. We've managed to chat with the likes of Dennis Kucinich and Ralph Nader, among others. Moreover, we've tried and tried to get Republicans to talk to us about their plans to make the United States and the world a better place.

We have plenty of conservative writers; we like to believe that our audience is a diverse lot, filled with conservative and moderate-thinking people, as well as the more liberal-minded. To this end, our attempts to get the GOP side of things have always been sincere, with the genuine goal of illustrating the many sides of the political arguments we present.

Alas, we rarely get a reply, let alone the interview. That is, until we found Richard Martin, a Congressman representing Ohio's 19th district. A former cufflink model who worked his way up to become CEO of Ohio Petroleum & Synthetics, Martin brings hope to suburban couples struggling to afford a second home.

Martin was generous enough to take the time to talk with us about voter fraud, environmental compassion, and the joys of single malt scotch.

In this election year, what's most at stake, for Ohio and the United States?

Richard Martin: The safety of our gated communities is at stake. They are the last line of defense of our fairways, our outdoor rotisseries and our simulated waterfalls. If Obama gets his way, gated communities will be outlawed and crackly-handed looters will come to divvy up our stuff.   

How serious of an issue is voter fraud in Ohio?

RM: It won't be a problem as long as everybody minds their own business.

Ohio (along with the rest of the U.S.) had a drought this past year- what did you do to help out?  

RM: I helped drought victims by patriotically adding much needed water to the local rivers from one of my Fortune 500 companies. The liberal media tried to spin it and said it was toxic runoff, but who are you going to believe: me, a registered voter, or overly-litigious lawyers representing the hysterical mothers of several dozen very, very slightly deformed babies?

Please explain the role of propaganda in convincing poor and lower middle-class Americans to vote for a party whose economic policies cause them endless suffering.

RM: I don't know what you're talking about. Can't we focus on the real issues, like inner-city sodomy?

How many more election cycles will the Republican Party be able to win electoral majorities while disenfranchising minorities, legislating Gestapo tactics against brown people near the border, and hating on gays and lesbians?

RM: Who near the border?  Whhaa-how many?

Do you have any idea why there are so many closeted Republicans who vote against gay rights? 

RM: Every American needs to fight their gay thoughts no matter how alluring. Giving in to them is what the gay agenda is counting on. I for one will not go down without a fight.

All the cufflink models I know are homosexuals- did you dabble in homosexuality during those days?

RM: Define “dabble.” There was some accidental penetration and one of the parties was crying. In my book, that's just good clean wrestling.

Why would any woman who isn't in a household making $250K or more vote Republican? 

RM: Because she listens to her husband, you idiot.

What are the REAL differences between the two parties?

RM: Promise you won't print this? None. We meet in Davos, Switzerland once a year. Kissinger takes us to a nude cigar bar and we swap racist jokes while trying to hold olives in our assholes. First one to drop, their party throws the election. You think the people voted in Obama? Hah! It's because Boehner's got an asshole like a golf cup. We all swear oaths to G.E., Monsanto, Exxon-Mobil, AIPAC and Goldman Sachs. Seriously, don't print this.

Can you prove that Mitt Romney is not an android?

RM: That's ridiculous. He's a nice man and very warm once you get to know him. Why just the other day, we were laughing about bond yields and the stability of emerging markets on wheat futures. Oh boy, I tell ya. It uh...it was really a humdinger.

Are you happy with the GOP's choice of Mitt Romney or would you have preferred Rick Santorum, Newt, or Ron Paul?

RM: Are you going to print this? Yes? Alright. Uh, let's see. Mitt is the clear leader. We have tremendous faith in him and his abilities. Whew, I didn't think I was going to get through that without laughing.

What do you think of Ron Paul?

RM: Alright, off the record again. Ron's great. We weren't going to sign our most recent contract with G.E./Monsanto/Exxon-Mobil/AIPAC/Goldman Sachs, so they threw him in to make us laugh. We all agree with him. We all smoke dope. Pelosi's a tweaker. How do you think she gets those eyes? And we hate the fucking Middle East. But AIPAC gets up our ass if we don't have our military over there.

Do NOT fucking print that. I'm serious. I bid on a golf package at some Leukemia thing, and all of the courses are in Florida. One call from Wasserman and they'll totally fuck me on tee times. Goddamn this is good scotch. Fuckin' A. I've never had cask-strength single malt before. I guess the deal is each barrel has its own flavor, but some are stronger than others. The guy at the store said I'm supposed to add a "dram" of water. I forgot to ask him what the fuck that is. Dram. What a weird word. Ahhhh. I think I just shit myself. No biggie, I'm outside and nude. Never realized you can actually shit between the slats of an Adirondack.


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