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Pulling At The Fringes: LA Dating Cliche


You can't buy self-awareness, which is exactly the thing you most lack.

You know what I love most about reading dating profiles in Los Angeles? They're predictable. Now, I know you ladies might not be aware because you're probably not checking out a lot of women seeking men profiles, so let me try to enlighten you in the two minutes worth of attention I have here before you roll your eyes, do one good hair flip and move on...

It starts like this: I'm not your typical LA type. I am from, or spent significant time in, New York and/or the Midwest. I moved here for the sunshine and my career. I like some combination of the following: hiking, yoga, Runyon Canyon, social cause X, reading Sedaris/Palahniuk/Murakami, listening to Arcade Fire/Mumford and Sons/Bon Iver, farmer's markets, Whole Paycheck Foods, Upright Citizens Brigade, Wes Anderson movies, Downtown Abbey and Mad Men.

Now, since EVERYONE has written the same thing, it's hard for me to see exactly how you're not the typical LA girl. And let me continue, just to see if the shoe really does fit.

You've traveled a lot because, after all, your parents' generation didn't work so hard for you to get barefoot and pregnant at 22, and you now feel that "seeing the world" has given you more life experience and credibility. Maybe you've even ventured into "third world" territory, which you can now wax poetic about over $20 martinis.

You think voting Democrat somehow shows you're a compassionate humanitarian, thinking that the difference between them and Republicans is chocolate-vanilla, when even a cursory analysis will reveal more of a dark chocolate/light chocolate contrast. You say that you love animals, despite the fact you claim "ownership" of them, give them human names, and often dress them in human clothing. Really, you've just anthropomorphized them and they are merely filling the childless void in your lives.

Despite your proclaimed activism in the cause of social issues, you have an unnerving amount of products produced by Apple – one of the most egregious operators of evil, pseudo-enslavement of peoples in developing nations. Also, just one of the little social events you've been to in the last month could've financed a permanent system of potable water for an entire village. BUT, your artistic endeavors/dancing/eco clothing line will surely change the world immeasurably.

You've recently signed up for your first half-marathon because now you've got a goal, man. Those pottery classes and hot yoga just couldn't quite fill the spiritual vacuum that is your self. It hasn't dawned on you that scheduling all these meaningless activities is just part of the constant search for meaning and direction you once thought your well-paying job would give you.

Look, you can buy a nice faux bohemian lifestyle, you can buy a "green" eco-friendly car so you feel less guilty about those plane flights back to the East Coast, but you can't buy self-awareness, which is exactly the thing you most lack. You're nothing more than a self-absorbed bourgeois version of your Republican, Wal-Mart-shopping automaton counterparts you're supposedly so different from.

Wait, what's that you say? You're getting a sleeve of tattoos? Oh, well, that changes everything! You really are a non-conformist! Yes, I'd love to read your Tumblr blog. Yes, I'll go to Burning Man with you. We can totally do kundalini yoga together, you unique, interesting and spiritually enlightened creature, you.

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