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Notes From A Polite New Yorker: Making Babies for Fun and Posterity

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The one adventure that still terrified the shit out of me was having kids, but I could put it off no longer.

It's always been my philosophy to engage in any and all adventure within reason. I have gone skydiving, hiked mountain trails, traveled to foreign lands, acted in a play, started a punk rock band and even had a bit part in a movie

The one adventure that still terrified the shit out of me was having kids, but I could put it off no longer. 

I once held the idea that having kids was a disastrous act reserved for spoiled suburbanites, entitled ghetto-dwellers, or saps too stupid to use birth control. I thought the human race was a doomed enterprise and the sooner the planet was turned back over to the hump-backed whales, baboons, tapirs and sloths, the better. 

But circumstances blessed me in semi-adulthood with much younger siblings, and I found my tolerance for dealing with children. When I was an underemployed bum living in my father and stepmother's basement at the age of 24, playing with my stepbrothers and dancing to Johnny Cash songs with my young sister were among life's few joys. 

Over the years many of my friends have married and had children and I have watched people I once saw launch fireworks indoors or drink a jug of Southern Comfort at 10 in the morning, suddenly in charge of small human lives and doing a good job of it. 

Plenty of people with experience told me never to get married, but everyone I know who has had kids, no matter what misery has befallen them since, recommends having kids with the highest of praise and encouragement.  

It's a natural instinct. Everyone with a soul has the need to leave something behind in this world as a monument to the fact that they have lived. Few of us will wield the influence that will make our names live after for many years. History only has room for so many Caesars, Michaelangelos and Einsteins. But if we have kids, we've guaranteed at least a small piece of us will live on. We have made our mark in the world in some small way, and shown we are secure enough in our personal survival to make more of our own kind. Of course part of this is ego-driven. I happen to think I'm a good person and that the world could use more people like my wife and me. 

So it was with gusto and success that my wife and I set about to conceive. We soon learned that we were having twins, and that they would both be girls. We debated names and set about preparing for their arrival. 

Nine months passed by quickly, and it was soon time to deliver the goods to a phalanx of family and friends. With great patience and perseverance, my wife brought two beautiful baby girls into the world. They are perfect and destined for great things. If they are anything like me and my brother, they will fight like hell spawn for the first eighteen years of their lives. 

So far, my brief foray into the adventure of fatherhood has been all it was promised. I have a deep and abiding love for many of my family and friends, but if any of them crapped their pants while they were visiting me, they would be taking that all with them. True parental love is getting human feces on your hands and somehow not minding. 

Living in New York City, raising children will be a difficult task. The cost of living is very high, waiting lists for good schools are long; there are dangers everywhere. The city is not designed for the modern conveniences of child-rearing. The streets, sidewalks and shops are too narrow for double-wide strollers, car seats, and screaming toddlers.

We have vowed not to become the worst of what I have seen in child-bearing among the many strangers I encounter in the Big Apple. A lot of people think that, because they have reproduced, that their lives are somehow more thrilling or important than others. The parents who have thrived in some of the “upwardly mobile” areas of the city, have made their neighborhoods by-words for some the worst kind of overindulgent rot the human race has seen since the fall of Rome. I promise on my life and on the blood of my children that I will not become such an effete, self-satisfied, latte-breathed snob that are overrunning parts of Brooklyn, and even Queens now. If that happens, I hope someone runs me down with a hijacked city bus. 

There are many scary events on the horizon. These kids will get sick; they will say embarrassing things in public. They will refuse to eat their vegetables, and maybe set fire to the cat. Eventually they will start dating, go to college and ask us to pay. 

I don't want to think about these terrifying things. I'll save some money and make all the preparations I can, but this is the greatest and most consequential endeavor of all. There is little one can really coherently do but embrace parenthood as another great adventure. It's the adventure where the stakes are the absolute highest, and that you will never feel really prepared for. 

Wish us luck. 

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