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Pulling At The Fringes: The Immigration Solution

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Border Games! Points could be assigned to the targets - 1 point for a man or woman, 2 points for children, and 3 points for a pregnant woman

It seems these days that decent, hard-working Americans are under attack from all sides, at least according to social and political commentator Bill O'Reilly. Adding to rising fears that demon hordes of Muslims are once again amassing armies in the Middle East to fulfill their main goal of annihilating our culture of short-shorts, fast food, and – oh, yeah, political meddling in everyone and anyone's affairs – we are now being invaded by migrants from Central America.

We have long had cross-border immigration, legal and otherwise, from our neighbors to the south. Heck, most of the southwestern United States was once inhabited by and claimed as territory of Mexico. But now, instead of simply coming from Mexico to steal all those great jobs in the fields of medicine, information technology and architectural engineering, now we're talking about countries like Honduras and El Salvador – people we know even less about. And that's scary because, you know, along with abject poverty, disease, and poor English grammar skills, they also bring slightly different accents.

The situation has become so alarming, the U.S. just sent international relations and language specialist Vice President Joe Biden down there to survey the situation, to make sure nothing is lost in translation, and hopefully bring back a few orange Jarritos for the President. Now, such a migration crisis is enough to make one wonder why the U.S. has spent decades working to destabilize the governments of Central America, whose policies they objected to when the end result is that after decades of violence and poverty, they head north. But, hey, can't worry about details like that because… disease, invasion!

Now, as intellectual luminaries such as Bill O'Reilly, John Boehner, Congressman Candace Miller, Lou Dobbs and others have called on the military to send troops to the southwest border areas, it seems they may be missing a real economic and ideological coup here. Why divert more taxpayer monies to this crisis when we already have well-armed civilian militia groups ready and willing to defend the border? All they need is a green light that allows them to shoot on sight anyone attempting to illegally cross the border into the United States. Surely this could be done by simply extending Texas' Stand Your Ground laws, or maybe have the Department of Homeland Security classify these people as enemy combatants.

We could even make this a cause célèbre, something to rally the nation around and boost morale. Maybe the NRA would be willing to sponsor events, Protect Our Border weekends, Border Games, picnics. Participants could come on down with their own private arsenals, and compete for prizes like NASCAR tickets or an autographed Ted Nugent hunting bow. Points could be assigned to the targets – 1 point for a man or woman, 2 points for children, and 3 points for a pregnant woman (after all, they're only going to drop that baby on U.S. soil and reap the benefits of our first class universal health care system).

Corporations from across the spectrum would surely rejoice in having such events televised. Costs would be low and ratings would knock "American Idol" right out of the top spot. This could bring in a lot of money, which means jobs, jobs, jobs, right? Think of how many people could suddenly find themselves in great positions as food vendors, selling hot dogs and plastic cups of Coors or Bud Light to the patriotic masses who would show up at these Border Games. And then there's the merchandising. Who wouldn't want an "I killed an illegal for Christ" bumper sticker on the back of their truck? Who wouldn't proudly display their "Central American Rodent Patrol" T-shirt while perusing the aisles of Wal-Mart?

My fellow protectors of freedom and liberty, the answer to our immigration problems is right in front of us. We just need to put that good ol' self-righteous indignation to work and stop these invaders from crossing an invisible, arbitrary line in the sand. And since Bill O'Reilly has been at the forefront of declaring this invasion and championing a stronger use of force, I expect him to be front and center on the first day of Border Games. Let your patriotism shine, Bill, as you line up the first child in the sights of your .30 caliber and watch his head explode like a red, white and blue pumpkin.

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