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Tommy Digital's Pussy Cocktails: Stroke By Stroking


Did jacking off trigger a stroke? Is this how it ends?

About a month ago, I did a bit of damage to my back. In short, I got wasted on catnip, tore through the house, and tried to jump from a chair to the mantle to the tree outside the window. It would have worked, except rather than fly gracefully through the window, I smacked into the wall. Of course, I landed on my feet...but hitting the wall tweaked my back something awful.

So now I'm going to the chiropractor thrice a week, per my doctor's orders. Every other day I'm in there, either getting light shocks from electrodes up and down my spine, laying on a traction machine, or enjoying the Back Cracker man jerk my torso into alignment.

I've been through this before- chipping away at my nine lives comes with the occasional injury- so I expect some residual cramping after the chiropractor, as the rest of my muscular system adjusts. But nothing could prepare me for what happened last week.

After a session the other night, I made my way home. Bored, I pulled up PornHub on my phone, found a suitable POV clip, connected it to my HDTV like an adult, and commenced to masturbating in my living room.

I'm on my knees before the 47" screen, getting into a nice doggy-style session. The moment I start to cum, two things happen simultaneously: a migraine explodes in my right temple, and my left leg cramps up so severely, my knee practically jerks up into my chest.

Time stops. Did jacking off trigger a stroke? Is this how it ends? Am I going to be found a week from now, decaying naked on my living room floor, cock in hand, with who knows what kind of porn Chromecasting on my tv?

My orgasm brings me back, so that becomes my first priority: make sure I don't interrupt my climax. At the same time I'm busting my nut, I stretch out my contorted leg, and doing so twists me into some weird move Yogis will surely celebrate after this column goes viral. I try to ignore the excruciating migraine, which basically feels like I've been shot in the head, and the bullet is trying to push out my eyeball. 

I finish a few seconds later. Nude and exhausted, I evaluate my situation, and find that I've ejaculated all over my right leg, since through the chaos I ignored the wash cloth I had readied. The cramp in my leg quickly subsides, which leaves me to deal with the migraine. Luckily, high grade marijuana is totally legal here in Seattle, and that's hands down the best cure for a migraine.

I smoke some powerful Louis XIII OG indica, and pass out for the night.

Oh, my doctor said it probably wasn't a brain hemorrhage, but instead thinks this happened because I need more magnesium in my diet, to help my muscles retain water. But I'm not a medical professional; I'm simply a randy cat who likes to have a good time.

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