- > Columns
- TODAY'S NEWS AND HOOTS
- Feature - Lloyd Kaufman: The Kotori Interview
- Feature - Martin Luther King, Jr.'s Road to the Mountaintop
- Feature - Losing LeBron
- Feature - The Crazy Legend of Slowhand Jack
- Feature - The Giving Lens Gets Focused
- Notes From A Polite New Yorker
- Tommy Digital's Pussy Cocktails
- The Octopus Files
- Wasims Rants
- The Guys You'll Meet on Earth, But Not in Heaven
- Slippery Id
- The Shameful Truth
- Writing for the Sake of It
- Void Creation
- Frankly Speaking
- Pulling At The Fringes
- These Altered States - America Trying to Become Itself
- The Worthless
Tommy Digital's Pussy Cocktails: My Seed
That time I jerked off into a paper cup for a lesbian couple.
I actually like kids, even though I never wanted to father any of my own. I'd probably be a great dad, and would totally be willing to adopt under the right circumstances. I'm just petrified of spreading my uniquely toxic DNA into the gene pool. My mother is a true psychopath; my dad, while a great man, was a prick to his father, and I was even shittier to my dad. The chances are strong that I'll sire a profoundly savage cub, and this world has enough problems without that added nightmare.
So, I was set to get my nuts snipped, and run around town with a cone on my head for a week. Coincidentally, at the same time I was getting that arranged, a lesbian couple asked me to be a sperm donor for them.
Truth be told, I didn't meet these ladies by generous intent. I came across them on Adult FriendFinder, and their profile gave the impression of two girls looking for a guy to fulfill a threesome. This was in the days before online dating and social media, where freaks and perverts had but a few places to connect.
We got to talking, and after a few back & forths, the girl I was chatting with came clean, and told me they wanted nothing more than my sperm. They were two women in love, and wanted to raise a baby on their own, without input from a father.
But this was the late 90's in Dallas. Their options for doing this legitimately simply did not exist.
Or maybe they did, and I was just too locked into the idea to not really care. I figured I'd give the Universe one final chance with my Seed.
We spent a few days chatting, getting to vaguely know each other...mainly her asking me questions, and me making myself out to be cooler than I am in real life. After all, my profile and identity were all fabrications to begin with- and besides, these girls were serious about the donor not being part of their lives outside of the actual donation.
Eventually, she seemed confident I was the cat she wanted to father her child.
I made my way to their condo the following night. The woman with whom I'd been chatting answered the door, and she was disarmingly cute. She introduced me to her girlfriend, who was equally gorgeous...and suddenly I'm wondering- PRAYING- that this had all been a ruse to simply get a decent guy for a threesome.
Alas, all they truly wanted was my Seed. We made small talk for a couple minutes, and then it was time for business.
When they handed me a paper cup for my semen, the goofiness of this whole wacky scene dawned on me. This was extremely unsafe for FOR THEM, and I assumed my sperm would not survive long at all in an open, paper cup.
Nevertheless, I took the cup into the bathroom, closed the door, dropped my pants, and got to work.
Now, keep in mind this was a few years before Smart Phones, so I was going to have to make this happen with nothing other than imagination and sheer will power.
So there I am, jerking off in a strange bathroom, trying to concentrate on mental images of lovers past. Just as I get into my zone, I hear a knock on their front door, followed by, "oh shit! Your mom's here!"
My erection immediately retreated into my body.
I pulled up my pants, and sat on the toilet, trying to figure out what to do as I listened to the mom come in, and start chatting as if it was any random day.
She brought them leftovers from dinner, and some extra silverware she had but wasn't using. Then she began asking about their day, "what do you have planned for the weekend?" and other normal things a mom asks when she's oblivious to the guy on the other side of the living room wall, who is supposed to be masturbating her grandchild into a cup.
After a few minutes that felt like an eternity, they got her to leave. "I'm so sorry about that," I hear one of the women say through the door.
"No problem," I reply, and back to jerking I go.
It took about ten more minutes, considering the weirdness of this situation, but finally I released a noble load of cum into the paper cup. When I exited the bathroom to hand it over, I found them waiting eagerly with a syringe, ready to give at-home insemination a whirl. They grabbed the cup excitedly, and ran upstairs with glee.
I stood in the living room for a long, awkward minute, then walked out the door, and into the night. Two days later I had a vasectomy, never again to produce a fertile load from my loins.